Game of Thrones: “Garden of Bones” Review: The Fart Heard Round the World

Game of Thrones: “Garden of Bones” Review: The Fart Heard Round the World

By MichaelTuesday - April 24th, 2012Categories: ReviewsTags:, , , ,

The “Garden of Bones” opens with a fart joke gone horribly wrong as Robb Stark launches a surprise night attack against the Lannisters, killing them 5 to 1.  Although victorious, Robb Stark reveals himself to be as clueless as modern leaders when it comes to war since he does not have any plans on what to do in the aftermath of his campaign.  This does not impress the attractive medic from Atlantis who heals either side, and she disdains at the pointless losses.  However her open attitude only makes the unaware Robb Stark that much more attracted to her.


The next scene cuts to another cruel display from the brat king Joffrey where he humiliates Sansa in the court.  He commands the royal guards to beat and undress her, but luckily the fan favorite Tyrion Lannister saves the day.  Tyrion is disgusted at Joffrey’s lack of manners, and he would be even more appalled when he discovers the sadistic treatment of the two lovely prostitutes he sent as gifts to Joffrey.  Armed with a crossbow, Joffrey orders one of the playful mistresses to brutally beat the other with a sceptre.  Like he was a long lost ancestor of the lads seen in A Clockwork Orange, King Joffrey becomes pleased when his morbid fetish reaches a humiliating and traumatizing climax.

Littlefinger travels to meet with Renly where we learn that they don’t like each other.  However as usual, the cunning Littlefinger is one sidestep ahead of everyone else.  He offers Renly a march to King’s Landing where he will find either a contracted siege or open gates.  Littlefinger’s feelings for Cat Stark, Ned Stark’s widow, is also revealed as he says he has longed for her ever since he was a child, and that he wanted Ned Stark alive.  He offers his hand and upon acceptance she will be able to see her two daughters again in exchange for Jamie Lannister.  Cat Stark vehemently refuses.   Afterwards Littlefinger pulls out his last stop, and Tyrion’s gift out of good faith, the head of Ned Stark.

Later on we see a meeting between Renly and Stannis Baratheon, with the red witch Melisandre and Cat Stark alongside them.  The widowed Stark wants them to join forces against the Lannisters.  Renly and Stannis remind the viewers that they are brothers, and Stannis claims the throne is his and cites Ned Stark’s prior approval.  This does not impress Renly, and he denies the brother he once loved his kingship.  Stannis gives one night to decide which banner Renly will fight for.

Back to the chapped-lipped khaleesi Dany, we find that one of her riders returns with good news of people willing to help them.  They travel to meet the Thirteen who guard Qarth, the Hart foundation of cities: the ’greatest city that ever was or will be’.  However in order to calm the skeptics amongst the Thirteen, the trader of spices refuses to let the Mother of Dragons inside without seeing the dragons first.  Dany becomes offended at the lack of hospitality such as food and water for her starving forces.  This does not impress the trader of spices, but Xaros, another member of the Thirteen, takes a blood oath and assumes responsibility for Dany and her men.  They are let into Quarth, and we see a glimpse of a city that rivals the seven wonders of the world.

Meanwhile Arya has been taken to a torture zone because the Lannister prisons are overfilled.  Prisoners are tortured about the location of the Brotherhood, and the guards use tactics that would upset even Itchy and Scratchy.

The old Underworld vampire of the Lannister family, Lord Tywin, arrives at the toture scene and makes a fool out of the idiotic guards.  In just a few moments, Tywin finds useful workers amongst the prisoners, including saving much-needed craftsmen in the case of Arya’s blacksmith friend.  Unlike the dumbfounded guards, Tywin recognizes Arya is a girl disguised as a boy, and is impressed by her feisty survival attitude and rewards her by employing her as a cupbearer.

If you thought this episode lacked incest, then your sick fetish prayers were answered in the Tyrion and Lancel scene.  Tyrion turns the imp-hating appointed knight of a newphew into a spy, because he knows that the weak Lancel has been bedding with Cersei.  In return, Tyrion grants the Queen Regent’s wish of freeing the short-beard Pycelle under the condition that he no longer serves the council.

The episode ends with Dave Seaworth smuggling the red witch Melisandre under Stannis’ discrete orders.  She tries to seduce him, instead we are treated to a birth scene that releases a menacing black magic humanoid that only a witchy woman could love.

The “Garden of Bones” was even better than last weeek’s episode, earning it the spot as the most entertaining hour of the second season.  The pacing captivated my interest from start to finish, and teased the viewers into wanting more of the greatest city that ever will be and to see just how mutilated Joffrey’s actions turn out to be.

Arbitrary Review Rating Number: 94%/100